5 A.M. Reflections: Learning to Live for Myself

 

A Journey Through Solitude, Self-Love, and Meaning

It’s 5 a.m., and I’m sitting in my small kitchen. No sounds but the ticking clock, the hum of the refrigerator, and the slow pull of my breath. I’m sipping black coffee—no sugar, no milk, just the way I like it. A Cuban cigar rests between my fingers, burning slowly as the smoke coils upward and disappears into the ceiling.

In this stillness, I begin to reflect.

What have I really accomplished in this life?

We spend our lives chasing things we think matter: degrees, jobs, relationships, and approval. But what if none of that defines who we really are? What if true accomplishment isn’t measured by a paycheck or applause, but by how deeply we know ourselves, how fully we live our truth?

There is something sacred about the early morning hours. Before the world wakes up, before emails, deadlines, or distractions, there is just you and your thoughts. It’s the only time of day when the noise of the world dims enough for the soul to whisper.

In this silence, I hear the questions I’ve been too busy to ask. I hear the voice of my younger self, reminding me of dreams long buried under obligation. I remember that I am not a machine. I am not defined by productivity. I am a human being, trying to make sense of this strange, beautiful, painful thing we call life.

We are taught from a young age what success should look like: a diploma on the wall, a high-paying job, a big house, a beautiful spouse, kids, and maybe a dog. But even when we check all those boxes, many of us lie awake at night feeling empty.

Success, as society defines it, is often just a performance. We wear the masks. We smile for photos. We play the roles. But inside, we may be exhausted, disconnected, and unfulfilled.

Real success, I’ve learned, is living a life that feels good on the inside, not one that just looks good on the outside.

So much of what we do is for the sake of others. We go to certain schools to make our parents proud. We take jobs we hate to impress people we don’t even like. We tailor our lives to fit molds we never chose.

And for what?

Approval is a drug. The more we get, the more we crave. But it never fills the void. Eventually, we start to feel like strangers in our own lives.

Freedom begins when we stop living for others and start living for ourselves. That means setting boundaries, saying "no," and choosing authenticity over acceptance.

There’s something therapeutic about simple rituals. For me, it's a cup of strong black coffee and a cigar in the quiet of the morning. It’s not about caffeine or nicotine—it’s about presence. It’s about doing something just for me, something that grounds me in my own existence.

We all need these anchors. Whether it’s a walk, a journal, a prayer, or just five minutes of silence. These moments remind us that we are alive, that we matter, and that our time is our own.

What Does Accomplishment Really Mean?

For a long time, I thought accomplishment meant climbing a ladder. Now, I see it differently. Real accomplishment is checking off the things on your soul’s bucket list. It’s writing that book, taking that trip, learning that skill, making peace with that part of yourself.

It’s not about how much you accumulate, but how deeply you experience.

Did you dance in the rain? Did you say "I love you" to the right people? Did you forgive yourself?

Those are accomplishments. Those are the moments that make a life.

There are mornings I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. Not because of age or wrinkles, but because I’ve spent years trying to be what others expected.

Who am I, really?

That’s the question that haunts and heals. When you strip away the job titles, the relationships, the possessions—what's left?

That’s the core of you. That’s the soul worth knowing, worth honoring.

You can have the job, the money, and the partner and still feel hollow. That’s because happiness doesn’t come from things. It comes from how you feel about your life, your choices, your yourself.

Joy is a quiet knowing that you're living in alignment. It's waking up and not dreading the day. It's doing things that light you up, even if no one else understands them.

There was a time I feared loneliness. Now, I welcome it like an old friend. Because loneliness, when embraced, becomes solitude. And solitude teaches you who you really are.

In solitude, I found my voice. I found my rhythm. I found the courage to stop pretending.

We spend so much time avoiding ourselves. But the truth is, when you get comfortable with being alone, you become unstoppable.

They say you can't pour from an empty cup. I used to think that meant resting. Now I know it means loving myself deeply, completely.

Self-love isn’t about spa days or shopping. It’s about making choices that honor your peace. It’s about not tolerating what drains you. It’s about showing up for yourself the way you show up for others.

When you love yourself first, everything else becomes clearer. Your boundaries, your values, your direction. You stop begging for crumbs because you know you deserve the feast.

We clutter our lives with expectations, comparisons, and distractions. But life, at its core, is simple.

Eat when you’re hungry. Sleep when you’re tired. Love who you love. Do what feels right.

It took me years to realize that most of my suffering came from trying to meet standards that weren’t even mine.

Peace comes when you return to yourself. When you live in the moment, without needing to prove anything to anyone.

Final Thoughts: The Peace in Letting Go

This morning, like many before, I sat with my coffee and my thoughts. I let go of what doesn’t matter. I gave myself permission to just be.

Maybe I haven’t accomplished everything the world expected of me. But I’ve done something greater: I’ve begun to live my truth.

To anyone out there feeling lost, trapped, or tired of pretending—you are not alone. Start small. Sit with yourself. Ask the hard questions. And listen closely to the answers.

Life isn’t about impressing the world. It’s about embracing your soul.

And that, my friend, is the truest accomplishment of all.

"When Silence Speaks"

At five in the hush before the sun,
I sat with coffee, dreams undone.
The world still sleeping, shadows wide,
I heard the voice I held inside.

The smoke curled softly to the sky,
A whispered prayer, a question: why?
Not wealth, not fame, nor love well-spent
Could tell me what my living meant.

I searched for peace in others’ eyes,
In shallow praise, in shallow lies.
But mirrors don’t reflect the soul
Until we choose to make it whole.

To live for self is not a sin—
It’s where all true loves begin.
The quiet truth, the sacred part:
We must return into our heart.

So now I walk this path alone,
But never more have I felt known.
No crowds, no masks, no need to roam—
I’ve finally found my way back home.

By Mackenzie Lodimus
Founder of Caribbean Quest Travel, Writer, Explorer, Solitude Enthusiast